black cat

Depression Really Sucks!

I'm having a major self-pity fest right now, so please feel free to ignore me. 

I have suffered from depression since I was a kid.  It's runs in cycles -- I can go for years and be fine, but when I crash, I crash really hard.  Unfortunately, I'm currently in a down cycle and it really shows!

Depression doesn't always look like people think.  I don't generally get sad and mopey ( although I have some of those moments).  I mainly get really angry and bitter, and I overreact to everything.  I become really anti-social and pretty much hate everyone.  That's a real problem when you work in customer service.  I'm pretty much at a place in my mind where everyone is a moron and should get out of my face and die!

I sometimes feel like I'm standing outside of myself and seeing how out of control and irrational I'm being, but I can't seem to stop myself -- and right now, I really pretty much hate myself.  I'm pretty sure most people I know hate me right now too.

Now here's the really fun part.  I have a lot of drug allergies and seem to develop more every year.  Last time I had a down cycle, my insurance company switched my medication to a generic and I developed an allergy to it.  My doctor switched me to something else and all was good with the world.  I went off the medication about 3 years ago, but when I started having problems, my doctor put me back on Cymbalta, which worked for me before.  However, I've now developed an allergy to that.

I went off the drugs about 10 days ago and I'm absolutely miserable.  I hate my life, I hate everyone around me and want to scream all the time.  I'm probably about 2 days away from getting a write up at work, because I can't seem to control my temper.  I'm going back to the doctor next week, but I'm afraid to go on a different drug, because I might turn out to be allergic to that too. 

I'm just trying to hold on for another week or so, because I have a week of vacation.  I'm hoping the time away from work will help. 

Okay -- done now.  I'm now going to try to get over myself.  ';
black cat

Random Thoughts Are Random

So, is it weird that I'm almost afraid to watch Supernatural because I'm afraid I'm going to be totally disappointed?  I've been trying to avoid spoilers but have seen a few remarks that make me think I may not be happy with the episode. 

Of course, I could just get over it and get a real life...

No.  I don't see that happening any time soon.
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black cat

LJ Twitter/Facebook Debacle

As you may have noticed if you've ever wandered into my journal, I mainly use my livejournal account to comment on fanfiction and fandom communities.  And, like so many people, my fandom/livejournal life is totally separate from my real life. 

I just wanted to say that I will respect the privacy of other users and not crosspost anything from livejournal onto either Twitter or Facebook.
black cat

100 books meme

100 books meme - bold the ones you've read

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen

2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien

3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte

4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling

5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee

6 The Bible

7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte

8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell

9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman

10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens

11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott

12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy

13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller

14 Complete Works of Shakespeare

15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier

16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien

17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk

18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger

19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger

20 Middlemarch - George Eliot

21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell

22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald

23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens

24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy

25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams

26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh

27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky

28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck

29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll

30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame

31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy

32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens

33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis

34 Emma - Jane Austen

35 Persuasion - Jane Austen

36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe

37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini

38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres

39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden

40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne

41 Animal Farm - George Orwell

42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown

43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving

45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins

46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery

47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy.

48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood

49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding

50 Atonement - Ian McEwan

51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel

52 Dune - Frank Herbert

53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons

54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen

55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth.

56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon

57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens

58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley

59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon

60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck

62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov

63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt

64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold

65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas

66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac

67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy

68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding

69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie

70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville

71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens

72 Dracula - Bram Stoker

73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett

74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson

75 Ulysses - James Joyce

76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath

77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome

78 Germinal - Emile Zola

79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray

80 Possession - AS Byatt.

81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens

82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell

83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker

84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro

85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert

86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry

87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White

88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom

89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton

91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad

92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery (In french)

93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks

94 Watership Down - Richard Adams

95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole

96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute

97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas

98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare

99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl

100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

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black cat

Really bad, horrible day

I'm feeling really crappy right now, so I thought I would try a little on-line journal therapy. 

I had to put my beloved cat of 16 years to sleep today.  He started losing weight and stopped eating completely this last week.  I took him to the vet for tests and he had a virus that was destroying his red blood cells.  There was nothing that could stop or even slow down the process, and he would have just kept wasting away.  I couldn't put him through that.

The vet gave him a sedative and I was able to hold him until he went to sleep.  He then gave him a shot to stop his heart.  I held him for a little longer and said goodbye.  I'm still a little in shock from the whole thing.  Even knowing this was the right thing to do, it still remains one of the toughest decisions I have ever made.

Merlin was a huge part of my life for almost 16 years and he enriched it beyond measure.  Unconditional love and affection was always there for the taking.  I don't know how I'll ever stop missing that.
black cat

Just a Few Comments

Okay, here's the thing. 

I've had this account on LiveJournal for a while now, but have never actually posted anything.  I thought it was time to put something out there as I've commented on several stories and posts and don't want to appear creepy and stalkerish.  I'm not much of a writer, so I'll keep this brief.

I live a pretty boring but oddly content life.  I live in a small town in Ohio with my cat.  He graciously allows me to live in his house and pay the mortgage.  I'm a major geek and watch too much tv and too many movies.  I tend to prefer scifi and action, although I still love my chick flicks.  Music is another passion.  I like a little bit of everything -- it all depends on my mood.  My Zune is my favorite toy.

Finally, I'm a huge reader.  I will read just about any genre you can name.  Over the last year or so, I've totally embraced the fanfiction I've found on the internet.  My major fandoms are Stargate Atlantis, Supernatural, White Collar, NCIS and Firefly.  I'm trying to be less of a lurker and comment more.  However, I will probably only comment if I really like the story.  Hopefully now, if I comment on your story, you have some idea of who's reading.

I promised to keep this short, so that's enough about me.  If you're out there reading this, it's a pleasure to meet you!
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